reviewz: July 2009

albino farm

holy fucking shit biscuits. this movie is absolutely horrendous.

i wasn't even surprised but i wanted to see if it could be the worst movie i have ever seen. its not.. but it came pretty close.

nothing made sense in this movie at all. so shit. such a fucking waste of my life.

boogeyman 3

this is one of those shit movies you see that you instantly forget. it wasn't really scary in any parts. boogeyman 2 is probably better. this movie is just stupid.

are we done yet

what a horrendous movie. quite a fitting title nevertheless. i found myself pondering 'are we done yet?' the entire movie, especially for the like 5 minute opening credits. i nearly turned that shit off right then and there.

i would rather have stood on a syringe.

knowing

this movie had the potential to be fantastic. i was seriously diggin the plot right up until they motherfucking introduced homo aliens called the whisper people. it really turned it into a steven king-esque movie and i fucking hate steven king movies. most of them are anus.

as such this is a very mediocre movie. i feel like labelling it shit but the start had me impressed.

also nicholas cage fucking suck ass. he ruins everything. fag.

role models

hi5larious is what this movie is. the black kid is absolutely priceless and seann william scott is a lot better than in the last movie i saw him in - the promotion - which was totally anus. role models is great. watch this right now.

the battle scene at the end was probs a bit too long but the humour was consistent and gold. wizard in tree.

fired up

this is surprisingly not a bad movie. its actually very funny.

having said this i had the lowest of low expectations before i started watching but even still i'm going to stick with saying this is a good comedy. there isnt much else to say about it as it doesn't have much substance but that made it good.

kiss kiss bang bang

this is a great movie. the way the story evolves is really unorthodox, with the intentional recognition of the film itself being made, eg. narrator talks about scene placement. robert downy jr. plays a fantastic role and is well cast as the narrator.

pretty high paced and downy jr. talks in a fucking quick neurotic way so sometimes its a strain to keep up. heaps of funny bits however. awesome movie.

race to witch mountain

more like race to anus mountain. as soon as i realised the rock was the main character i knew i was in for some horrendous viewing.

the kids voices are so fucking annoying. like given the kids are aliens, and have superior mind skills to humans, why haven't they learnt to speak normally? they can read minds, move objects with their minds yet they speak like retards. i would rather have stared at a blank sheet of paper for 90 mins.

sleuth

michael caine is an amazing human. i want to be him. such a great voice and such a great actor. he plays the reverse role in the original 1972 version but i think he is far better suited to the role he plays in this 2007 remake.

not a mad fan of jude law but he works well in this.
great movie.

mr brooks

this is a great movie. watch it right now.

its pretty dark and there are a few gruesome scenes but overall it has a good plot and is well acted.

dark floors

this horror is laughable - so shit it is actually funny. it should really be called dark flaws. like i can understand how progressively everything becomes darker, but why dirtier? why does everything become more mouldy? and why does the nurse give cpr to a man who is breathing? how does the girl draw the blind chick in like half a second? why does this movie exist?

there are actually too many stereotypes in this movie to handle. its out of control. as always there is a token black cop, anxious business man, father with his ill daughter, crazy old man and a calm and discerning character - a nurse this time. even every line is a cliche - "it's almost too quiet" and "come on quit fooling around." and to top it off - IT WAS ALL A DREAM. fuck. that. shit. i mean seriously who wrote this.

this movie is a waste of everything.

madagascar 2

lame.

the watcher

clap clap keanu reeves. you are a douche bag.

this movie was offensive to the senses. there is something/everything about keanu reeves that makes me want to kick him in the face. the only good part of this movie was when he finally motherfucking burnt to death in a raging fire.

god damnit his voice makes me cry blood. this movie would have been a million times better if he hadn't been cast. but even then it would still be a shit rip off of the bone collector.

cry wolf

this 'horror' was not in any way scary. it was more stupid than scary.

the only time i got a mild fright, was when a dog barked outside my window. that is it. the rest of the movie is pretty dumb, although it wasn't atrocious. a very mediocre movie. between shit and average. i'll give it the benefit of the doubt though and label it shit.

they

this is a very average horror. admittedly towards the end there were infrequent minor scares but that was it. most of the time i was mesmerised by the main character. she literally looks like an alien. she is mega tall with the longest neck i have ever seen. i was just waiting for her to peel of her face and reveal some kind of hideous extraterrestrial. it didn't happen to my dismay.

it wasn't a horrible film, but i would never ever watch it again. the ending was horrible however. the dvd contained an alternate ending which was way better so maybe the accidently put the wrong ending in. i don't really care either way.

in bruges

this is a great film. i haven't seen a dark comedy for ages that has been any good, so i was very impressed with this.

colin farrell acts very well but ralph fiennes really takes the cake. he is absolutely hilarious and sinister at the same time. the plot is a little predictable but this is mostly overshadowed by the consistent humour.

the strangers

sweet mother of god.

this movie is fucking scary. absolutely motherfucking scary.
i love a good thriller/horror so i thought this movie was great. the suspense definitely outweighed the shock and fright which i find a positive in scary films.

what made the suspense worse was that this movie had very little audio/soundtrack. scary moments were rarely preceded by an orchestral buildup then accompanied with high frequency violin rape. the only music that does play is some freaky joanna newsom song on loop. most of it is just silence.... then more silence... then shit your pants... then BAM.. then where did they go?

watch this in a dark room in a quiet place, with a bucket.

21

a lot of these vegas card game movies are the same, but i don't give a shit. i still like them.

this is a great movie. well acted and actually has a decent plot to it. i personally really liked the ending although the soundtrack is a little too mainstream and feels repetitive.

laurence fishburne plays a fantastic role as a badass security chief, which contrasts well with his small and manipulative nemesis, kevin spacey. watch this movie.

bruno

awkward and average.

my expectations were that this would be pretty much the same as borat but not as funny. i was correct.

this movie mirrors borat all to closely for my liking - a story about a reporter on a life journey who splits up with his assistant with whom he is ultimately reunited. it just wasn't all up a hilarious movie. i mean some parts were funny, but most of it i was just sitting there thinking 'please don't do that.'

if you are thinking of seeing this, just watch borat again.

wall-e

this movie is awesome.

its nice to see robots that don't blow the fuck out of everything for a change. i was very impressed with how these robots bring about such an emotional response from the audience. even though their combined lexicon seems to be limited to about 5 words, you cannot resist their endearing expressions and actions.

it is actually a very decent story and this is easily one of the best animated films i have seen and i would absolutely recommend watching it.

the pursuit of happyness

this movie is exceedingly depressing. the story follows a man and his son struggling to make ends meet in world which just won't give them a break.

for nearly the entire length of the film you are just hoping to god that life will improve for the two and after endless trials and hardships, you are nearly in tears when some light appears at the end of the tunnel.

its a sad movie, but a great movie. will smith acting is most impressive with his son in the film acted by his real son. definitely worth the watch.

troll 2

this is without a doubt.. the worst movie i have even seen in my entire life.

i legitimately doubt that i will ever again see a movie this shit. it was so fucking atrocious in fact, that i had to watch it in two sittings. after 45 minutes i had to leave and hold myself back from setting shit on fire.

there is nothing about this movie which is even remotely ok. everything is fucking shit. absolutely abysmal. literally thinking about it makes me shit blood.

graphics: oh my god my eyes are bleeding
music: is that blood coming out of my ears as well?
acting: i am going to headbutt the pavement
protagonist: i will find his family and slice them up then kill all his pets

this movie is offensive to the brain and soul. if anyone suggests watching this movie, punch them in the fucking face and go home and take a shit in their bed.

saints and soldiers

set during world war 2, four americans flee a massacre of their division and struggle to return to allied territory. along the way they run into a british pilot who has critical intelligence in his possession and who also is trying to escape enemy territory without being killed.

this is a good movie definitely worth the watch, although it is a pretty stereotypical ww2 movie. once you have seen one of these movies, you have seen them all.

wanted

this isn't a bad movie if you feel like switching off your brain and ignoring all the laws of physics.

its just a mindless action movie, with some loose plot about an office worker realising he is the son of an assassin with awesome killing skills. one flaw in the movie which i found irritating was in one of the final scenes where jolie shoots a bullet in a circle around a room killing everyone. that bullet must be still spinning inside that room today, killing anyone who steps inside.

but again, most of the action in this movie would cause a physicist to cry blood.

zombie strippers

holy strippers from hell this movie is fucking atrocious.

when you hear the title you think: 'zombies + strippers.. its the perfect movie.'
it genuinely hurt my soul that the writers took 2 great concepts and royally fucked them up. this is painful to watch. painful. none of it makes any sense either. like why would the troops at the start even believe for a second that an emp would wipe out zombies.

zero plot. zero budget. zero stars.

tropic thunder

this was a good comedy, but nothing better than good.

robert downy jr. pretty much was the funniest aspect of the movie, aside from when jack black's character had his heroin stolen by a bat. tom cruise was quite impressive, playing a character that essentially paid out everything about cruise in real life - little man syndrome.

the humour was relatively inconsistent but it nevertheless was there.

quarantine

if you watch this movie at night in a dark room, its pretty motherfucking scary. i generally like scary movies and this one was satisfying. the editing was done well so that most of the movie ran seamlessly as if it were all one take.

i didn't really like how the movie ended, though i am not sure i could think up a better ending unless it involved a sequel. definitely worth a watch.

idiocracy

the title of this movie is fitting. not only in reference to the content but also to the writers.

people told me this movie was hilarious so i had my expectations quite high and was unfortunately disappointed. not impressed with this movie at all. maybe because it had luke wilson in it. i hate luke wilson, i dislike his face.

to be fair it was funny in parts. stupid people are always funny.

gran torino

clint eastwood is one badass motherfucker.

this is a great movie which is definitely worth the watch. eastwood plays his role exceedingly well; a defensive, angry korean war vet who lives for principle. after his neighbour attempts to steal his prized possession - his 1972 gran torino - walt (eastwood) becomes determined to reform the teenager and protect him from his ganster cousins.

a fantastic part is when eastwood scares off some douche bags by pulling out his hand in the shape of a gun from his coat. so badass/ludicrous.

the film is very well made, and you feel like you are slowly getting closer to walt throughout the movie, right up until the very end. great movie.

marley and me

owen wilson plays the part he always plays. a whiny douche bag.

the story is about the jennifer aniston and owen wilson in a relationship and the accompanying stresses and strains with buying a dog that turns out to be an untrained menace.

it irritated me the entire film that the dog was so poorly trained. i mean for fucks sake its not that hard. you just dont let the dog become the master of the house which it clearly became in this movie, running round knocking shit over, taking a shit on the couch, eating phones, dominating wilson.

very average movie.

spoiler alert - the dog dies.

evan almighty

evan is almighty lame.

tres mediocre and corny in parts/all of it. its not an atrocious movie, the only atrocious thing is that secretary bitch who only speaks in one-liners that are painfully unfunny. i liked that morgan freeman played god. he is a god. also steve carell plays the psychotic type very well. children would laugh at his material sometimes.

film list: i - r

film list: s - z

film list: #, a - h

yes man

no man. don't see this.

jimmy carey clutching at straws trying to revive his career. this is pretty much liar liar, just instead of being unable to lie, he is unable to say no. luckily you can.

oustandingly average. not a bad watch if the weather is so bad you literally cannot leave the house, all your books and other dvds have been destroyed along with any board/card games, all tv channels are fucked and your ipod/computer is broken.

zodiac

omfg this is one of the worst movies i have ever seen.

this movie is absolutely painful to watch. it follows some neurotic cartoonist, desperate to find the zodiac killer. the police give up the case and so the dumb shit cartoonist goes nuts and spends his life trying to find him. im just going to go ahead and give away the end because it is so shit and i don't care if you actually want to see it.

the cartoonist ultimately ruins his family trying to find the killer, jumping from suspect to suspect until finally he confirms that it must have been the guy with the aircraft boots and the watch who wears overalls. when the authorities finally go to arrest him after 3 painful hours of viewing, he is motherfucking dead. he had a heart attack moments before the police arrived.

just when you thought you were getting some motherfucking closure, the douche bag dies. the whole movie is that painful. you think its going to be one suspect, so does the cartoonist, so do the authorities, even the motherfucking suspect thinks its himself and then oh wait no thats ridiculous what about that suspect..

i would rather have had a nice bath with the hairdryer.

defiance

i thought this was a great movie.

the story follows two jewish brothers who flee into the forrest and build up a hidden village to protect themselves, and other escapees who later join, from the nazis.

a very interesting movie and craig did pretty will with the accent.

definitely worth seeing.

a clockwork orange

now this is one fucked up story.

the main gist of it is that this kid called alex and his droogies go around bashing the shit out of people, raping some and stealing shit from store owners to old women. alex is finally arrested, taken to jail, then transferred to a new therapy aimed at brainwashing prisoners into feeling ill when confronted with criminal behaviour. i had read the book by burgess before i saw the movie so i knew what i was getting myself into: a fucking brutal analysis of morality and freewill.

the movie was relatively accurate to the book, as much as it could be i guess. most of what goes down in the book surely would be illegal to put in a film. it was also good to note that kubrick kept some of the russian pseudo-slang to maintain authenticity.

the movie is great but i would recommend reading the book.

borat

watched this again as i hadn't seen it in years.

forgot how hilarious it is.

great success.

raptor

this movie is shit.

however, it is actually so shit, that sometimes its funny. director roger corman pretty much made this movie by recycling footage from carnosaur 1,2 & 3 and it is painfully obvious.

at one stage in the movie, troops decend to a lower level of a power plant to search for something, i cant remember what, but its probably a dinosaur. when they radio back up to the upper levels giving the all clear, it is evident that they are actually on a boat, some scene from another movie.

in one part this guy tries to fight a dinosaur with a forklift. he hops in and approaches the dinosaur in the small white forklift, yet the battle scene is him fighting a dinosaur inside a yellow boom lift, a completely fucking different vehicle.

there are countless inconsistencies in the movie, many occasions where you can see a boom mic and abundant fake walls. it pretty much makes no sense. very shit.

mega shark vs. giant octopus

holy shit biscuits this movie is offensively bad.

easily one of the shittest movies i have ever seen.

premise involves some bitch unfreezing a mega shark and a giant octopus who were frozen in battle for thousands of years. the beasts then swim to either sides of the world eating shit up. then random people try to figure out how to kill the two.

this movie is so fucking stupid. at one point mega shark jumps 30,000ft into the air to eat a passenger jet. but by far the worst part is when the stupid bitch scientists are trying to figure out how to destroy the two by mixing completely random chemicals in test tubes. they are literally mixing coloured liquids for like 5 minutes. it makes no sense. like what the fuck are they even trying to find/make? jesus fucking christ.

after the ugly asian and dumb blonde slut have sex in a corridor they decide to use pheromones to lure the two together so that they can battle and destroy each other. then the battle scene is literally like a still of the shark and a still of the octopus being recycled on repeat for like 10 minutes.

where the fuck do people get the money to make movies this shit?

slumdog millionaire

this film is glorious. absolutely fantastic.

a young indian boy makes it all the way to the final question on india's 'who wants a millionaire,' on the brink of winning 20,000,000 rps. the film follows his progression to the final question with accompanying flashbacks to his childhood memories, in which the answers lie. whilst he is actually drawing on knowledge from his intense childhood to answer the questions, the producers of the show feel he is cheating to scam himself the money.

the cinematography and photography is outstanding and the use of child actors from real mumbai slums adds to the overall authenticity. extremely well made.

go and see this right now.

you kill me

this actually was not a bad film.

the story follows a hitman from buffalo who finds his alcoholism is getting in the way of his job. consequently he is sent to san fransisco by his mob to cool off, finds a job in a funeral parlour and becomes a member of acoholics anonymous.

ben kingsley plays his role very well. every time he is about to speak you feel like he is going to whip out a knife and slice your shit up however every time tea leoni is about to speak you feel like you are going to whip out a knife and slice your own shit up. it is well made but i find tea leoni (hitman's girlfriend) is just a fucking annoying actor.

aside from that it is worth seeing.

the hangover

pretty funny.

this movie would be fair shit without zach galifianakis. hilarious actor and plays his part very well. good to see a movie that keeps the comedy consistent throughout, however the film in its entirety is not hilarious. most of the time i found myself lightly chuckling at events rather than shitting my pants laughing.

ends very well.

the promotion

this movie was exceedingly mediocre.

if i had known that nothing at all would happen in this film i perhaps would have just watched traffic outside my window for 80 minutes. when you think seann william scott and john c. reilly, you think comedy.

no.

the only funny thing in this movie is when reilly drops a ship-in-a-bottle. this is one of those movies you watch once, then won't remember for the rest of your life.

very average.

the wicker man

oh. my. fucking. god.

i want to kill neil labute. this movie is absolutely fucking abysmal. i want compensation for the years of my life that have been adversely affected by the shitness of this movie.

the only thing i found mildly interesting about this film was that nicolas cage ironically becomes trapped in a cage.

the rest of it is a load of ridiculous, odd and fucking random shit. its about some pagan honey harvest which is going shit until they sacrifice someone. there was also definitely one point where cage was dressed as a bear.

so bad.

transformers - revenge of the fallen

this is a good film.

if you want to see robots beat the shit out of each other for 2.5hrs then this is the film for you. the computer graphics are so amazing that you only know it isnt real because transformers dont actually exist(?).

the actual dialogue and human acting is pretty poor so most of the time you are just like 'shhhhh optimus is fighting.' towards the end, whenever a human had a line, it was so tacky and lame it hurt. the scene where sam witwicky asks his dad to let him go and fight was cringe worthy. it almost made me hope that the fallen would reactivate that motherfucker that blows up the sun and annihilate the earth.

maybe a bit too long but enjoyable and humerous in parts.

the onion movie

this "comedy" is atrocious.

pretty much most of the movie is a shit load of crap sketches in the style of television news reports about bogus global and domestic events. the anchor for 'the onion' news becomes disgruntled when the parent corporation pressures him to advertise some shit steven seagal movie called 'cockpuncher' instead of reporting the progress of a war overseas.

at the culmination of the film, the anchor becomes the bargaining chip of a terrorist negotiation on live television and oddly, everyone who was the subject of a 'news report' earlier in the movie shows up at the station to save the anchorman and fight the terrorists. peruvians shoot lasers out of their eyes to remove a landmine from a terrorist's belt so that seagal can punch him so hard in the dick that he leaves the set. an elephant then steps on the landmine. seagal then shows the remaining terrorist that killing people is not the answer and then everyone starts dancing. on the news.

fucking ridiculous film.

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