albino farm

holy fucking shit biscuits. this movie is absolutely horrendous.

i wasn't even surprised but i wanted to see if it could be the worst movie i have ever seen. its not.. but it came pretty close.

nothing made sense in this movie at all. so shit. such a fucking waste of my life.

dark floors

this horror is laughable - so shit it is actually funny. it should really be called dark flaws. like i can understand how progressively everything becomes darker, but why dirtier? why does everything become more mouldy? and why does the nurse give cpr to a man who is breathing? how does the girl draw the blind chick in like half a second? why does this movie exist?

there are actually too many stereotypes in this movie to handle. its out of control. as always there is a token black cop, anxious business man, father with his ill daughter, crazy old man and a calm and discerning character - a nurse this time. even every line is a cliche - "it's almost too quiet" and "come on quit fooling around." and to top it off - IT WAS ALL A DREAM. fuck. that. shit. i mean seriously who wrote this.

this movie is a waste of everything.

the watcher

clap clap keanu reeves. you are a douche bag.

this movie was offensive to the senses. there is something/everything about keanu reeves that makes me want to kick him in the face. the only good part of this movie was when he finally motherfucking burnt to death in a raging fire.

god damnit his voice makes me cry blood. this movie would have been a million times better if he hadn't been cast. but even then it would still be a shit rip off of the bone collector.

troll 2

this is without a doubt.. the worst movie i have even seen in my entire life.

i legitimately doubt that i will ever again see a movie this shit. it was so fucking atrocious in fact, that i had to watch it in two sittings. after 45 minutes i had to leave and hold myself back from setting shit on fire.

there is nothing about this movie which is even remotely ok. everything is fucking shit. absolutely abysmal. literally thinking about it makes me shit blood.

graphics: oh my god my eyes are bleeding
music: is that blood coming out of my ears as well?
acting: i am going to headbutt the pavement
protagonist: i will find his family and slice them up then kill all his pets

this movie is offensive to the brain and soul. if anyone suggests watching this movie, punch them in the fucking face and go home and take a shit in their bed.

zombie strippers

holy strippers from hell this movie is fucking atrocious.

when you hear the title you think: 'zombies + strippers.. its the perfect movie.'
it genuinely hurt my soul that the writers took 2 great concepts and royally fucked them up. this is painful to watch. painful. none of it makes any sense either. like why would the troops at the start even believe for a second that an emp would wipe out zombies.

zero plot. zero budget. zero stars.

zodiac

omfg this is one of the worst movies i have ever seen.

this movie is absolutely painful to watch. it follows some neurotic cartoonist, desperate to find the zodiac killer. the police give up the case and so the dumb shit cartoonist goes nuts and spends his life trying to find him. im just going to go ahead and give away the end because it is so shit and i don't care if you actually want to see it.

the cartoonist ultimately ruins his family trying to find the killer, jumping from suspect to suspect until finally he confirms that it must have been the guy with the aircraft boots and the watch who wears overalls. when the authorities finally go to arrest him after 3 painful hours of viewing, he is motherfucking dead. he had a heart attack moments before the police arrived.

just when you thought you were getting some motherfucking closure, the douche bag dies. the whole movie is that painful. you think its going to be one suspect, so does the cartoonist, so do the authorities, even the motherfucking suspect thinks its himself and then oh wait no thats ridiculous what about that suspect..

i would rather have had a nice bath with the hairdryer.

raptor

this movie is shit.

however, it is actually so shit, that sometimes its funny. director roger corman pretty much made this movie by recycling footage from carnosaur 1,2 & 3 and it is painfully obvious.

at one stage in the movie, troops decend to a lower level of a power plant to search for something, i cant remember what, but its probably a dinosaur. when they radio back up to the upper levels giving the all clear, it is evident that they are actually on a boat, some scene from another movie.

in one part this guy tries to fight a dinosaur with a forklift. he hops in and approaches the dinosaur in the small white forklift, yet the battle scene is him fighting a dinosaur inside a yellow boom lift, a completely fucking different vehicle.

there are countless inconsistencies in the movie, many occasions where you can see a boom mic and abundant fake walls. it pretty much makes no sense. very shit.

mega shark vs. giant octopus

holy shit biscuits this movie is offensively bad.

easily one of the shittest movies i have ever seen.

premise involves some bitch unfreezing a mega shark and a giant octopus who were frozen in battle for thousands of years. the beasts then swim to either sides of the world eating shit up. then random people try to figure out how to kill the two.

this movie is so fucking stupid. at one point mega shark jumps 30,000ft into the air to eat a passenger jet. but by far the worst part is when the stupid bitch scientists are trying to figure out how to destroy the two by mixing completely random chemicals in test tubes. they are literally mixing coloured liquids for like 5 minutes. it makes no sense. like what the fuck are they even trying to find/make? jesus fucking christ.

after the ugly asian and dumb blonde slut have sex in a corridor they decide to use pheromones to lure the two together so that they can battle and destroy each other. then the battle scene is literally like a still of the shark and a still of the octopus being recycled on repeat for like 10 minutes.

where the fuck do people get the money to make movies this shit?

the wicker man

oh. my. fucking. god.

i want to kill neil labute. this movie is absolutely fucking abysmal. i want compensation for the years of my life that have been adversely affected by the shitness of this movie.

the only thing i found mildly interesting about this film was that nicolas cage ironically becomes trapped in a cage.

the rest of it is a load of ridiculous, odd and fucking random shit. its about some pagan honey harvest which is going shit until they sacrifice someone. there was also definitely one point where cage was dressed as a bear.

so bad.

the onion movie

this "comedy" is atrocious.

pretty much most of the movie is a shit load of crap sketches in the style of television news reports about bogus global and domestic events. the anchor for 'the onion' news becomes disgruntled when the parent corporation pressures him to advertise some shit steven seagal movie called 'cockpuncher' instead of reporting the progress of a war overseas.

at the culmination of the film, the anchor becomes the bargaining chip of a terrorist negotiation on live television and oddly, everyone who was the subject of a 'news report' earlier in the movie shows up at the station to save the anchorman and fight the terrorists. peruvians shoot lasers out of their eyes to remove a landmine from a terrorist's belt so that seagal can punch him so hard in the dick that he leaves the set. an elephant then steps on the landmine. seagal then shows the remaining terrorist that killing people is not the answer and then everyone starts dancing. on the news.

fucking ridiculous film.